How to ask a loved one with cancer about their funeral wishes

Talking about funeral wishes is an important step to ensuring that your loved one gets the type of funeral they want. It can also help ease any decision making for you and others involved in arranging the funeral, at a time when you may be grieving and experiencing other emotions.

However, it can be hard to know how to ask your close friend or family member with advanced cancer about their funeral wishes.

It can be an emotional conversation, especially when someone may be nearing end of life. You may both be coming to terms with their mortality and a future without them.

Some people with advanced diagnoses are quite matter of fact when it comes to funeral preparations, and it's the friends and family that find it more difficult to talk about. In other situations, the person with cancer might be less forthcoming about their wishes for their funeral.

This could be because they are trying to remain upbeat with loved ones to avoid adding to their emotional load. It could be that they are taking one step at a time and focusing their energy on the current treatment plan. Or it could be because they are in denial about their diagnosis.

If you think that your friend or family member may need support before conversations about matters such as funeral arrangements can happen, you could bring them to your nearest 夜色直播 centre, or encourage them to go themselves, and find out what support is available and best suited to them.
If you feel that it's time to broach the subject, here鈥檚 some expert advice for having a helpful conversation about your loved one's funeral wishes.

Start as soon as you feel able

鈥淭he sooner we start, the sooner we signpost ourselves as people who are always open to these conversations - and the less it feels like we're actually having 鈥榯he conversation鈥�,鈥� says founder and chair, Poppy Mardall.

鈥淵ou might start by saying something like, 鈥業 don't know what's going through your head right now - probably a million things - but if your funeral ever goes through your head, I鈥檓 willing to go there."

Start small

Music can be a gentle conversation starter. You may want to share what songs you鈥檇 like at your own funeral and ask if this is something they鈥檝e thought about.

Of course, you can also be more direct if you think that will work well for the person you鈥檙e caring for. There鈥檚 no 鈥榬ight鈥� way to get the conversation started; it really depends on the person and what you think suits them.

Choose your time

It can be helpful to find a situation where you鈥檙e both relaxed and doing something side-by-side. For example, you could be doing the washing up, going for a walk, or watching TV together.

鈥淚n one family, it could be listening to Radio One, and saying, 鈥業 could imagine this song at your funeral, what do you think?鈥欌€� says Poppy. 鈥淚n another, it could be seeing a bunch of motorcycles riding past and saying, 鈥榓 motorcycle guard of honour would be really you, wouldn鈥檛 it?鈥欌€�

Be ready to introduce the idea and then leave it

If they don鈥檛 want to talk about it, then it鈥檚 absolutely fine to stop. Let them know that you鈥檝e heard them 鈥� but remember, it鈥檚 not a reflection on you or your relationship if the conversation doesn鈥檛 go the way you planned.

鈥淭his is an opportunity. And if it doesn't feel like an opportunity, it doesn't have to be done,鈥� says Poppy. 鈥淎ll you've got to do is create the opportunity - and they might change their mind over time. Just because they鈥檙e not ready to talk about it now doesn鈥檛 mean they will never be.鈥�

Explain why you鈥檙e talking about this

If they want to know why you鈥檙e asking such questions, explain that it鈥檚 not to upset them. It鈥檚 because you want to ensure it鈥檚 the sort of funeral they would want 鈥� because you care.

鈥淏eing direct like this also allows the other person to say that they don鈥檛 care about what happens at their funeral, if that鈥檚 true for them - at which point you know that, when the time comes, you should do what will be right for you and the community.鈥�

Be led by the person

Some people may want to make practical arrangements, while others may want to explore more complicated feelings. Let your person lead the way, both in terms of what they want to talk about, and how.

This might look like mirroring their language about death or funerals. For example, it might not be your way to call dying 鈥榢icking the bucket鈥�! But if that鈥檚 how they鈥檙e most comfortable talking about it, it鈥檚 totally ok to use the same language.

鈥淚 think mirroring is psychologically deeply reassuring, and it shows that you're listening. And it鈥檚 ok for it to be jokey or lighthearted if that鈥檚 the energy the other person is meeting it with.鈥�

Though it may seem scary at first 鈥� and it鈥檚 certainly not always easy - talking about death can be surprisingly empowering. It may be acknowledging something the person is already thinking about. It may be that the other person also wants to have this conversation but doesn鈥檛 know how to begin.

It can also be helpful for those who would be planning the funeral in the event of a person鈥檚 death.

Where to find more support

We hope this advice helps you to have conversations that are helpful for everyone involved, and that you may feel a sense of peace or reassurance as a result.

Here at 夜色直播, we are here for you and your loved ones to help you with whatever it is you're facing after a cancer diagnosis. We offer a range of support, from psychological support and benefits advice to complimentary therapies and bereavement support, and can help you find what's right for you.

Come and see us at your nearest Maggie鈥檚
Call us on 0300 123 180 or arrange a callback
Email us at [email protected]

Poppy's Funerals

Many thanks to , who have written these tips with 夜色直播 in mind. Poppy's believes that talking about death brings it out from behind closed doors and makes it easier for all of us to have the conversations we need to have.

Their free is a useful resource to help you think about the different elements of a funeral to consider in your conversations around planning.

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