夜色直播

When someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, it can be a minefield knowing what to say and what not to say.

You want to help, but you may also be experiencing fear, sadness and confusion yourself. You might find yourself feeling tongue-tied, unsure of the right words to convey sympathy and offer support.

Some common expressions about cancer 鈥�  about battling it, being positive, and strong 鈥� are well intentioned. But for some people, these can be unhelpful at best, or even disempowering or upsetting.

Liam, Tassia, Sajida and Jane have all had their own experiences of conversations after being diagnosed with cancer. They share some of the things people have said to them after their cancer diagnoses that didn't feel right to them, including their take on the worst thing you could say.

Our clinical psychologist Kate Fulton offers advice on what you might say instead.

Phrases to avoid when talking to someone with cancer

鈥淵ou're looking well鈥�

Liam is living with incurable glioblastoma. He says: 鈥淚 find it really difficult when someone says, 鈥榊ou鈥檙e looking well鈥�.

鈥淚 mean, what do they want me to look like? A victim of the Chernobyl disaster? It makes me feel I need to be apologetic for not looking worse!鈥�

鈥淜eep fighting!鈥�

Tassia finds the 鈥榝ight and battle鈥� analogies really unhelpful. 鈥淚t implies I have some form of control over cancer. I don鈥檛.鈥�

鈥淏e positive鈥�

The expression 鈥榖e positive鈥� has a similar effect for Tassia. 鈥淣o matter how positive I am, secondary cancer has control. And no amount of positive thinking is going to change things.

She continued: 鈥淚鈥檓 not a negative person, but I think we need to accept that realism is not the same as pessimism.鈥�

鈥淵ou're a warrior鈥�

Sajida is living with secondary breast cancer, and she agrees that words like 鈥榳arrior鈥� are really difficult.

鈥淚t鈥檚 such a terrible image - as if I am dressed in a suit of armour, fighting what is actually an invisible foe. I find it aggressive, when what I appreciate is the use of gentle language and imagery.

An exaggerated 鈥淗ow are 测辞耻?鈥�

鈥淚t鈥檚 hard because I know people have the best intentions,鈥� said Sajida. 鈥淏ut when they ask you in simpering hushed tones 鈥� 鈥楬ow are you?鈥� when all you want to do is forget about cancer, it can really irritate me.

She continued: 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 need to use a different voice to talk to me just because I have cancer.鈥�

Making it about themselves instead of listening

Jane said, 鈥淪ome people think it鈥檚 helpful to tell you about their own diagnosis when you tell them about yours.

鈥淥ne friend constantly compared and contrasted her own experience. They told me they had been really positive about surgery, treatment and the future, and rarely asked me how I felt. It made me feel like I had to think the same way they did and that my own diagnosis wasn鈥檛 relevant.鈥�

The worst thing to say to someone with cancer

Not saying anything at all

Yet the resounding consensus of the worst thing you could say to someone with cancer... is saying nothing.

Jane said: 鈥淥ne close family member didn鈥檛 say anything. Not a text, or a card. Their partner explained that they 鈥榙idn鈥檛 want to say the wrong thing鈥�.

But the worst thing you can say to someone with cancer is nothing at all.鈥�

What you could say instead

Kate Fulton, a clinical psychologist at 夜色直播, says: 鈥淚t鈥檚 really interesting hearing Liam, Tassia, Sajida and Jane鈥檚 experiences of what they鈥檝e found less helpful.

It highlights how deeply individual everyone鈥檚 experience of cancer is. What might be helpful for one person could be really unhelpful for another.

At 夜色直播, I speak every day with people with cancer, and their friends and family. Here are some pointers on why certain language can be unsettling for them, and how to better communicate with someone diagnosed with cancer.

Ask open questions to start

I tend to begin any conversations with lots of open questions, finding out more about how that person is thinking and feeling about their diagnosis.

Open questions allow for more than just a 'yes' or 'no' answer. They often start with question words like 'what', 'how', 'when', 'where' or 'who'.

For example, questions such as 鈥榟ow are things?鈥�, 鈥榟ow are you feeling?鈥�, and 鈥榳hat has the last week been like?鈥� are good conversation openers that allow the person with cancer to choose the direction of the conversation.

Echo the language they use

I鈥檓 then mindful to use the same language they choose to use. This helps them to feel more understood, and shows you are listening and that you care.

If you are nervous about 'saying the wrong thing', sticking to the words and language that most closely align with theirs is also a safe way to have a conversation without worrying about accidentally causing offence.

Don't try to fix things

It鈥檚 very normal to want to try and fix things or make someone feel better. This can lead us to say things like, 鈥榶ou look well鈥�, or 鈥業鈥檓 sure everything will be fine鈥�, which we鈥檝e already heard can be quite unhelpful to hear.

Check in and listen

We often underestimate the power of empathy, of just being alongside someone, checking in with how they鈥檙e doing and listening to them.鈥�

Jane agreed with Kate's final piece of advice: "What I found most comforting and helpful was the friend who made a note in her diary of all my appointments; who sent me a message or, better still, called every day, just to ask how I was. Those few words and that connection were gold dust."

Here with you

At Maggie鈥檚, we can help you find the right words.

We run support groups for friends and family offering practical advice and tips and where you can share experiences with others who understand what you are feeling.

Find your nearest centre and just come in.

Last review: Aug 2026 | Next review: Aug 2029